The Age Gap

One of the things I didn't consider when I pictured life with a new baby was the impact it would have on us socially.  Let me back up... David and I are not particularly social creatures.  We don't like small talk.  While we enjoy parties, we're happier at home.  We do have friends and those friends generally have children the same age(s) as our kid(s), but never with a 15 year gap between them.

Scouting events as a family.  Graham watches as Jill
shows him her newly discovered high ropes skills.

Our friends probably think the choices we make are nuts.  Our priorities are often so far removed from theirs, we must look like slackers or over-scheduled dingbats, depending on the circumstance.  For instance, Cub Scouts has been put at the bottom of the priority list for this school year.  It's not for lack of respect for the program and it's definitely not a reflection on the leaders (I adore them and think they're probably the best people we've met in years), but right now something has to give, and for the moment it's Scouts.

It's more than just the fact that we're homebodies that keeps us from joining every event that comes our way.  We have the benefit of experiences many of our friends don't have.  We are able to recognize our time with our kids is becoming more and more limited.  One more year from now and I will have an adult child heading off to college.  I have one more Homecoming and Halloween with Jillian at home.  After this, I will have one more Thanksgiving Day Parade with her, one more Christmas season with her, one more year to spend with her as my kid instead of as an adult.  And I am going to enjoy it, people.  Enjoy it.

So no, I am not going to do every Cub Scout hike and every elementary school event.  I will do them when I can.  Instead, I am going to try to have quiet afternoons with my family, playing games and making memories.  I'm going to sneak out and have ice cream with her when time allows.  And I am going to shed a few tears as I snap photos to remember these passing days.

But don't worry... there's a Super Nova and a Parvuli Dei award with Graham's name written all over them.  There is a "heavy shoulder" award on the horizon.  We're just going to accomplish them at our own pace and in our own way.  And I'm not going to expect anyone else to understand.

Born in Silence

I sobbed as I listened to these parents.  And for three minutes, as I watched, I relived my own loss.  I'm so grateful to know it is being talked about - that it's not a banished conversation.  Andrew changed us. For nearly 20 weeks, we thought about him as a family.  We planned for him as a family.  We loved him as a family.  And as a family, we are stronger and better for having had that time.

I will always feel conflicted.  We found out we were expecting Connell within weeks of losing Andrew.  We know we're lucky.  Had Andrew lived, I wouldn't have my happy little shadow.  Andrew would be my happy little shadow, I suppose.

I know there's a plan.  I have faith there's some kind of logical reason for all of this.  (The sun came out for the first time in two days when I typed those words.... so yeah, there's a reason.)  I miss Andrew.  I'm grateful for him.  And I'm lucky to be his mother.

November Family Fun

Like I said in October, I find myself rushing through my days and forgetting to take the time to really enjoy living in the moment.  I tend to use lists as a way of keeping the crazies at bay  staying organized.  This is kind of a personalized infographic of sorts, to keep me focused on the fun stuff.  It was pretty simple to make on my Mac using a template in Pages.  One of my goals for 2014 is to learn to to actually make word art, but that's an entirely different blog topic.

In other news, I absolutely love Happier.com.  The more I use it, the more I truly believe you can create your own happiness.  So if you haven't found Happier yet, please do.  It's very worth it!

Women Gamers... as Pin Up Girls?

Kickstarter is an interesting site.  Lots of potential for good can happen there and we're able to support what we like and ignore what we don't.  But this is beyond demeaning.

Let's just set aside the fact that the entire premise of this project is completely untrue.  (Nearly Half of All Gamers are Women - CNN.com)  Let's forget that the sexualization of women and girls has proven negative effects.  (Sexualization of Girls - American Psychological Association).  And just for a second, let's even forget the mental health issues that crop up when girls are sexualized.  (Sexualization of Girls Linked to Common Mental Health Problems in Girls and Women)

Let's focus on the fact that these two young men think this is how we're going to "help" women gamers.  (Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, folks.  Whiskey Tango  Foxtrot!)  What are we teaching our sons?

With this in mind I talked to my almost-10 year old this morning.  I told him what they were doing.  "They want to help women gamers by make a calendar of them in their pajamas."  

He looked at me like I had eight heads.  "How does that help?"

"Exactly!  It's not helping!  And it's not okay that these men are treating these women they're only good gamers if they show off their bodies."

He busied himself in his backpack for a few minutes as I wiped down the counter.

"That's sad," he finally said.  "Nobody ever told them they're important enough to keep their clothes on."

And that was when I knew there was some hope left in this world.

So good luck with your "project", Jared and Erick-with-a-CK.  You won't be getting any support from us.  We respect people in this house - including women gamers.

*Please note, I spent many years as a woman gamer.  World of Warcraft was not only a fun game, but a great social outlet.  However, it's also a huge time sink and I gave it up because it was too much of a distraction.  

Math V. Zombies

I recently attended an outstanding conference sponsored by the Society of Women Engineers.  I left with many, many ideas about how to encourage my daughters to embrace math and science without fear.  The most important message came from Camsie McAdams of the US Department of Education.  She said we, as parents, have to stop telling our kids math is hard.  That statement was backed up by an article my husband shared with me yesterday addressing the differences between kids who excel at math and kids who don't.

When I started getting semi-frantic and very frustrated texts from my 16 year old today as she dealt with a difficult C++ class, I took Camsie's advice to heart and tried to be a math cheerleader.  Only, I don't think Ms. McAdams had zombies or bloody corpses in mind when she was giving her very inspirational talk. (And please note, this kid is in honors math and honors chem.  She rocks.  She's just temporarily stuck and that tells me she's tough enough to know when she has to work smarter.)

 jillian: Major headache because of C++ and I haven't been in here for 15 minutes. 

Me:  Noise?  Glare?  Sick?

jillian:  I don't understand the math and I've asked for help but it just makes everything worse.

Me:  Okay.  Take a deep breath.

You are absolutely capable of figuring out the math. It just takes a little time.  Can you send me a picture of the problem?  Scott, my cousin, majored in math in college.  He can probably give it a try.  And Dad can help, too.  And if they're not good enough, we'll find someone else who can make it make sense.  

You could ask your teacher if there are websites or other resources that might help you with this math... let him know you aren't giving up because "math is hard" (said in my best Barfie voice).

jillian:  I don't think he's aware that I'm not working...

Me:  Okay.  It's always good to check in when you have a problem though.  Be the kid who cares enough about his class to want to do well.  I'm sure he has his hands full.

jillian:  I tried. For the past three days I tried.

Me:  To talk to him or figure out the math?

jillian:  Yes

Me:  Okay.  We will work on it tonight.  This is kind of like... um... your brother is eating his socks.  Hang on.

Okay.  Sorry.  This is kind of like a test of fortitude.  Stare the stupid math in the eye, tell it you're going to smash it's brains in, and keep wailing on it until it's a bloody corpse on the ground.

Zombie ponies, Jill!  Zombie. Ponies!

Wow.  That was violent.

jillian:  *its a bloody corpse

.....Put away the Walking Dead, slowly. Just turn it off and walk away....

Me:  But Jiiiiillllllll.  There are new zombies now!  COOTIE ZOMBIES!  And they Bleed. Out. The. EYES!  

jillian:  Mom. Just put it away. Watch pretty ponies instead.



UPDATE:  

She and David figured it out.  Because math is only as hard as you make it and having an engineer for a father is pretty darn handy!  Sadly, there were no zombies present during the solving of these equations.  Sigh.

Five Minute Friday: Together

I'm going to attempt this Five Minute Friday.  No editing, no second guessing, just writing.  The theme is "together".  And go...

There are six of us here on earth.  One of us in heaven.  And the moments of being together seem few and far between.  When we are all together, I breathe a deep sigh of relief.  Even if the kids are fighting or I'm stressing over the chaos or David is hiding behind his computer screen, trying to eek out a few more minutes of work, I breathe a little easier.  I don't have to watch the clock as closely or worry about missing someone's pick up time from choir or Scout event.

I also think of myself as constantly struggling to remain put together.  I don't mean my hair or outfits, because that ship has sailed.  (I sport a great mom-bun and love me some long sleeve t-shirts and jeans.)  I mean emotionally.  It's been a struggle to regain any sense of normalcy since we lost the baby.  We no sooner lost him than found out we were expecting again.  I had to process all of that at the same time.  And then came the wave of chaos after Connell was born last year.  The kids changed schools.  Again.  We just resolved a major issue related to that yesterday.  So slowly, I'm reassembling myself and feeling like I can fully function.

Mostly, though, when I think of "together", I think of my marriage and how incredible it is to be married to someone I enjoy so much.  We're not perfect and we're never going to be Victor and Jenny or Desi and Lucy, but we make each other laugh.  And if that's not the best part of being together, I don't know what is.

What to Do with a Wonderful One Year Old (Halloween Books and "Craft" Edition)

Halloween is coming.  Balancing the teens interest in all things scary with my need to keep things innocent and fun for the little guy is one of the many challenges we face in our "wide age gap" family.  One of the ways we've encouraged the Bigs to connect with the Little is through books.  I try to get them to read to him as often as they're willing.  These are a few of our Halloween favorites:

Where is Baby's Pumpkin - We love Karen Katz books in general.  The life-the-flap pages keep Connell interested and excited.  The page with a double flapped closet hiding the bats is by far his favorite.  We have to read that page at least five times every time we read the book.

Max's Halloween - This is actually my favorite.  I'm a big fan of Max and Ruby, despite their missing parents and Ruby's Oldest Child Syndrome issues.  The candy names and Max's obvious dismissal of his older sister's megalomaniacal demeanor always makes me chuckle.  Connell tolerates the book, but I'm sure as he gets older he'll come to appreciate Max's struggles. 

Five Little Pumpkins - A holiday classic, this book has been set to several different tunes.  I prefer to recite it dramatically, giving each pumpkin its own distinct personality.  There are several different versions online.  The counting in this book inspired this morning's 2 minute craft.

While Connell was napping, I gathered up odds and ends from previous crafts.  Since he seems to really like counting (okay, he likes saying "Two two two!" and then jumping), I thought we'd work on some simple groups of five.  I found cats, bats, and ghosts left over from something the Bigs did last year.  Punches I've collected over the years worked well to add circle pumpkins and fall leaves to the mix.

We had a serious conversation about the importance of respecting glue, but I suspect he was more interested in the Thomas episode playing in the background.  He enjoyed sticking the self-adhesive foam shapes.  The paper shapes were a little more difficult, so I helped him with those.  

The finished product will look festive on the fridge!  I don't think he has a clue how any of this relates to the books we read today, but he didn't eat the paper... so we're making progress!