The Age Gap

One of the things I didn't consider when I pictured life with a new baby was the impact it would have on us socially.  Let me back up... David and I are not particularly social creatures.  We don't like small talk.  While we enjoy parties, we're happier at home.  We do have friends and those friends generally have children the same age(s) as our kid(s), but never with a 15 year gap between them.

Scouting events as a family.  Graham watches as Jill
shows him her newly discovered high ropes skills.

Our friends probably think the choices we make are nuts.  Our priorities are often so far removed from theirs, we must look like slackers or over-scheduled dingbats, depending on the circumstance.  For instance, Cub Scouts has been put at the bottom of the priority list for this school year.  It's not for lack of respect for the program and it's definitely not a reflection on the leaders (I adore them and think they're probably the best people we've met in years), but right now something has to give, and for the moment it's Scouts.

It's more than just the fact that we're homebodies that keeps us from joining every event that comes our way.  We have the benefit of experiences many of our friends don't have.  We are able to recognize our time with our kids is becoming more and more limited.  One more year from now and I will have an adult child heading off to college.  I have one more Homecoming and Halloween with Jillian at home.  After this, I will have one more Thanksgiving Day Parade with her, one more Christmas season with her, one more year to spend with her as my kid instead of as an adult.  And I am going to enjoy it, people.  Enjoy it.

So no, I am not going to do every Cub Scout hike and every elementary school event.  I will do them when I can.  Instead, I am going to try to have quiet afternoons with my family, playing games and making memories.  I'm going to sneak out and have ice cream with her when time allows.  And I am going to shed a few tears as I snap photos to remember these passing days.

But don't worry... there's a Super Nova and a Parvuli Dei award with Graham's name written all over them.  There is a "heavy shoulder" award on the horizon.  We're just going to accomplish them at our own pace and in our own way.  And I'm not going to expect anyone else to understand.

Born in Silence

I sobbed as I listened to these parents.  And for three minutes, as I watched, I relived my own loss.  I'm so grateful to know it is being talked about - that it's not a banished conversation.  Andrew changed us. For nearly 20 weeks, we thought about him as a family.  We planned for him as a family.  We loved him as a family.  And as a family, we are stronger and better for having had that time.

I will always feel conflicted.  We found out we were expecting Connell within weeks of losing Andrew.  We know we're lucky.  Had Andrew lived, I wouldn't have my happy little shadow.  Andrew would be my happy little shadow, I suppose.

I know there's a plan.  I have faith there's some kind of logical reason for all of this.  (The sun came out for the first time in two days when I typed those words.... so yeah, there's a reason.)  I miss Andrew.  I'm grateful for him.  And I'm lucky to be his mother.

November Family Fun

Like I said in October, I find myself rushing through my days and forgetting to take the time to really enjoy living in the moment.  I tend to use lists as a way of keeping the crazies at bay  staying organized.  This is kind of a personalized infographic of sorts, to keep me focused on the fun stuff.  It was pretty simple to make on my Mac using a template in Pages.  One of my goals for 2014 is to learn to to actually make word art, but that's an entirely different blog topic.

In other news, I absolutely love Happier.com.  The more I use it, the more I truly believe you can create your own happiness.  So if you haven't found Happier yet, please do.  It's very worth it!