Grace

Babies radiate God.
Why can't I?

This was my morning.  This smile.  These bright, blue eyes watching me, learning my face.  My friend always says babies radiate God and I think she's right.

But here's the thing:  At some point they turn into teenagers, stop radiating God, and they start lounging on the couch, soaking up space, and offering nothing in return.  And that's when I lose my shit.

I spent the evening on the soccer field with the boys.  G(8) had practice and Connell was happy to hang out and snooze, soaking in the fresh air and singing crickets.  The girls were home the entire time.  K(12) did do a lot of yard work, but she was being paid for it.  She also left a trail of K offerings throughout the house - fingernail polish, dirty dishes, uniform pieces, everywhere.  The chaos overshadowed the good... or at least, at that moment it did.  J(15) chose not to earn money by doing yard work.  Instead she just sat in the living room with a basket of clean, unfolded laundry at her feet and did nothing but make messes.

My head exploded when I walked in.  Between a fussy baby who needed a bath and the sheer fact that I couldn't walk through the bathroom because of the discarded uniform pieces, there was no way I could even consider giving the baby a scrub.  So, despite my best efforts, I finally started yelling while holding the baby... and he started crying.  I've tried so hard not to raise my voice since his birth and I never wanted to raise it while holding him.  That must have been scary for him.  Tomorrow is a new day and we'll reset the "How Many Days Since I Yelled While Holding the Baby" clock.  Hopefully I can make it more than 6 weeks.

It was a miserable moment and I don't want to revisit it any time soon.  I'm here with the kids on my own this weekend.  David is at a leadership training.  WHY can't they just help out by not creating more stress?  And why can't I dig deep and find the grace needed not to go batty because of it?